My dad had a heart attack last night (sunday) about 8pm. Completely unexpected. I was in the ER/ICU with him until after midnight along with my mom. It happened outside and he was in full arrest - not breathing, no pulse - for about 10-15 minutes. Paramedics got his heart going again, and he was trying to breathe on his own..

I just came back from the ICU. He is on a ventilator for breathing, and they are only giving him insulin for his diabetes and fluids to keep the volume up. And they put a feeding tube down. But he is unresponsive....comatose. Can't hear me. Doesn't respond to pain.. Nothing.

I've been so stressed out about my work situation and other things that I hadnt' gone over to see my folks for several weeks. Now it is too late.

I cant even ask for prayer for him. I am a horrible daughter.

Please, people, if you have family, please...go visit. If there's a schism, make amends - even if it wasn't your fault. Tell your friends and family that you love them.

Please...

i'm so sorry, Pam. And you do give good advice.

Thank you, Pam, for posting this! May your father be at peace, may YOU be at peace, and my God be glorified in this situation.

More later... will lift your whole family up in prayer as well as the doctors. If it be your father's time, I pray that God's peace can help you all feel so.

Dear Father, we lift up Pam's father to You, because he cannot pray for himself. We bear Pam up, her mother, her whole family, before You, for Whom death has no sting or no power. We ask for Your mercy to be on this family, for You are merciful. As the shepherd leads his flock to green pastures and beside still waters, so we pray that this might be the experience of Pam's father and the family.

Sometimes it is hard to rest in Your care, Lord, especially if we feel that there has to be something that we should or could have done. But You give us no more burden than to live each day and trust in You. We lift all in this situation into Your hands, for it is all we can do at this time.

Thank you, dear Father and dear Son- Amen

Pam, you might think that you are a horrible daughter. I don't know that, but I know that you are a much loved member here.

Please keep us updated

Pam, my father cardiac arrested about 13 years ago - was brought back by CPR (started after about 2 min) and defib (after 10 min). You would not know it to look at him now - fully active and 100% there mentally - but it did take 24h before he was conscious again and several days before he was fully with-it, and a good year to fully recover.

Even if your dad did not get CPR, 10 min is not a long "down time" and is not long enough to guarantee any loss of brain function. He may well recover, like my dad, with only the loss of a few days memory.

Earlier this year I have revived a woman from a cardiac arrest, who arrested while I was starting my examination of her. Both her and dad reported that the attack itself was so fast it was painless - neither had any memory of it, and I know they both went instantly unconscious, like watching someone fall asleep.

Honestly, his case is in God's hands. That is where you and your family are also. The medical profession will do their bit, and nature will to.

Don't try to predict the outcome, and don't worry about your dad - put your energy into supporting your mom.

/Bevin

Pam you are not a horrible daughter and I am sure your mother is finding great support in having you there now.

I will not add to the other great comments here, but I will pray for you all.

Oh Pam.... I know how horrible this is for you and mama... It is so frightening. I've lived through this with my husband 3 times.

Praying for you my dear friend.



The wires, machines, and tubes all seem to combine to make our loved one look even more helpless... But Pam, I believe he might be able to hear you, even if he can't respond. Mike could hear me... even though he could never respond, he could hear me... and he told me after the fact (years after!) that hearing my voice in the darkness of where he seemed to be was comforting. Don't give up my friend, Jesus is there too, and with you and your papa. Trust Him.



Listen to me!!!! You are NOT a horrible daughter. That is a lie of the evil one! You are human, with a life, who cares deeply about her parents and family. But you are also an adult, who lives her life, and who has been struggling herself. I'm certain, absolutely certain, that your mama has taken comfort from you being there now in this most critical of times. I took great comfort from my daughter being there when I needed her the most.

You can always ask for prayer. There is never anything to stop you from praying or asking for prayer except a lie from the evil one that he, and he alone, wants you to believe.



Excellent advice my dear. Excellent advice... we never know how much time we have or what this world will bring our way. But we do know that because it is filled with sin, and has fallen away from the government of Abba, that there will always be unpleasant, nasty surprises. And the Evil One is going to try and convince us that somehow it's all our fault... when in reality, it's HIS.

Clio

Praying Pam, I am praying!! Praying especially for a recovery for your father such that you might be able to have a moment when you can tell him how much you love him and whatever else your spirit needs to reveal to him.

Pam,

Please realize we're all praying for you, your daddy, your mother and whoever else that is close by in your family. Trust me, you are not a bad daughter, it's so easy to get sidetracked especially when "all is quiet on the home front" so to speak.

Just be there for both your mother and daddy, we'll be here for you. You are our sister...never forget this!

Hugs and prayers
Puddly

You and your family are in our prays.

pkrause

I am so sorry to hear of your dad's hear attack. I echo the comments above and will be praying for God to uphold you all. Please keep us updated.

Morning Glory

Praying for you, your family, and your Dad!!

Gorgeous Pam - You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers!

Thank you for the wonderful words of advice regarding our families, Pam! I am working on putting those words into action since my folks are visiting now.

Halfstep Denise

Pam? How's your dad? And how are you doing sweetie? How's mom holding up?

Still praying....

Clio

Thank you everybody for your thoughts and prayers. I just got home after spending yesterday evening and all night with my Dad. He is still comatose with no chance of coming out of it, according to the neurologist and cardiologist. Really, the person who he was has died, and there is nobody left. He is on no IV fluids, no oxygen, no nutritional stuff or medications at all. His brain stem is still working sporadically and he is breathing tortuously on his own. His heart could give out again at any time...the docs say it could be 15 minutes or it could be another couple of days. If I had known that he had been down so long before CPR, I would have prevented it from being done, I think... But I dont know for sure.. so hard to know what to do.

It damn near killed me to be with him alone last night after my mom and brother went home to sleep. Dad is making dreadful sounds - groans - as he breathes and sometimes needs to be suctioned because of nausea when the RN's turn him. He sounds like his lungs are filling with fluid as well.

The neurologist took one look at me and said I was not to stay overnight with my dad again. I'm pretty much done in... I'm going to take a few hours of sleep now and then go back down there. My mom is relying on me and my brother (thank God he is here on vacation) for what to do....so many decisions to be made.

I wish there was a way we could help more than we are...

Ahhhhh.... Pam, my friend, I'm so sorry to hear this news. When you sit with your dad, try and remember good times and reminisce aloud with him.

My father was dying of cancer, and I sat with him all night one night, and he was much as you describe. I tried to recall as many good memories as I could, and spoke them aloud to him. Asking him if he remembered, and being as descriptive as possible.

I prayed aloud with him, for him, for me, and for my family. Even though at the time I was sure my prayers would be rejected at the doorway to heaven I had been so evil... This happened before I even made my way nominally back to Jesus.

Somewhere through that long night, there came peace for both of us.

Perhaps there is something in doing these things that will bring peace to you as well. I have lost my dad, and I know the pain that fills your heart. My eyes are tearing even as I type and he's been gone nearly 10 years now.

You continue to be in my prayers.

Clio

I had the opportunity to have prayer yesterday for the wife of an old friend. I think that the Lord provided the way for me to travel a couple of hours to Jacksonville where they live.........and I even got paid mileage to do so. Please know that you have a myriad of friends petitioning the Lord to place his arms of love about your whole family. We pray that He will send the Holy Spirit to comfort you and make you strong to face the future no matter which way it leads. Regards,Don

I had the opportunity to have prayer yesterday for the wife of an old friend.( She has Burkitt's Lymphoma) I think that the Lord provided the way for me to travel a couple of hours to Jacksonville where they live.........and I even got paid mileage to do so. Please know that you have a myriad of friends petitioning the Lord to place his arms of love about your whole family. We pray that He will send the Holy Spirit to comfort you and make you strong to face the future no matter which way it leads. Regards,Don

Pam, I am so sorry to hear about your dad! I didn't know! He, and you, are in my heartfelt prayers.

Dave

Pam I am sorry to hear of how your father is. My prayers are added to those of others here, especially for you and your family, and that your father may be at peace.

Thank you again, all of you, for your prayers.
My dad's breathing is tortuous now. The MD's are surprised he is lasting as long as he is. And now Medicare is saying we have to get him out of the hospital and into a care facility (or come home), otherwise we have to pay the hospital $1000 per day. There's no way my mom could care for him at home - and I work too far away to be of help during the day.... so it is to hospice we will have to take him.

If my dad lasts long enough, he will be moved to a hospice tomorrow morning (where they want over $3000 on account) until his breathing and cardiac function completely shuts down, whereupon he will be gathered up and taken away by the funeral home.

I've been staying nights with dad. I just cannot abide the idea that he die alone...so I'm there all night and most of the mornings, and my mom and brother are there from mid-morning until I get there again in the evenings.

This is all so very very hard for me. I have never been to a funeral or even a memorial service. They have always sounded so macabre to me. And here it is that the person who will be mourned is my own father.

Oh Pam... I am so sorry for you pain. I wish I could do more for you...

Still praying...

Clio

Pam, I know it is very hard for you. The funeral home people are very nice and helpful indeed. They will help when the time comes

The hospice folks, if they are down there what they are up here in Canada, will be an awesome help as well.

Just one step at a time, Pam. It will all work itself out.

Thank you SO MUCH for keeping in touch! Your family is in our thoughts continually!

Pam, I know exactly what you are going through and what you are feeling. I lost my mother when I was 23 and the hospital also told us she could not die there but had to be moved to a nursing home. (hospice was in its infancy then) She passed in the early hours the day after we made the arrangements. That was a blessing. But it would have been nice to be able to have been with her. At that time familys were not able to stay in the rooms past visiting hours. I feel that you staying with your father right up to the end will help some with closure and grief. It's also hard right now to see just how this all fits into Gods plan for you and your family. I don't have any answers for you except to keep praying and ask God those hard questions. He is holding you right now. He is holding your mother. His hands are so large that He is holding all your stress, guilt, grief, anger and confusion. And if you happen to let go and strike out at God, that's ok. He knows it's only in emotion and He wont let you go. Neither will we as we pray for you and your family.

What Amelia said, Pam. I agree with totally. Abba's shoulders are big!!! He can take whatever you place there... including a punch or two.

Clio

Beautiful. Very encouraging. And so True :)

Pam it is just over 5 years since my father died, lingeringly after a stroke - but he was peaceful. My mother decided that for various reasons he would be buried and then people would gather in the church for a memorial service. All on the same day. She said she did not want us to go into the church later and remember his coffin there. The service was a mixture of tears and laughter as people remembered the man they had known as work mate, amateur geologist, local historian and author. It was not remotely macabre, but quite honestly a celebration of the life of a special person. He was 88 and you could say his time had come - but until the stroke his mind had still been very sharp, and we still miss him.

I hope you can find a positive experience in the funeral/memorial service when the time comes. It is not all negative at all - and I sometimes rewatch the video to remember the person whom others knew too.

Funerals are not for the dead - they know nothing. They are for the living, to help bring closure to one part of life and to open another. The "mourning" - the emotional expression - is a combination of social traditions and personal style. If you want to be distraught, do so; if you want to be calm and dispassionate, do so.

Your mother is going to need a lot of support for about a year - there is all the winding down of the estate, the learning to do things she has not done before, and the loss of a full time friend. The first few weeks are actually the easy ones because there are things to do and people actively helping - it is the months after that, when her previous life has been destroyed and her new life has not yet been built, that are hard.

/Bevin

ps: Yes, you guessed, at my mother's funeral I was the calm and dispassionate one.

pps: Over the next year, make sure you remember the important dates - birthday, wedding, death, funeral - your mother will especially value your contact on these days

A lot of wisdom in that post, Bevin. I agree wholeheartedly.

I totally agree Bevin. It has been nearly 2 years since my own beloved father passed away and I can honestly say that while my mother has done quite well, she is EXTREMELY lonely. She admitted this past Thanksgiving that she was lonely and that was huge for her. I wish there was something in our area that was geared for our seniors to be able to get to gether a couple of times a week, if only to socialize! But overall, I am very proud of the way she has handled things since Daddy died and I agonize that I wish I could do more to help her combat her loneliness.

Pam, we're still praying for you and your family. It's been an emotional week with what you've been going thru and my co-worker's father dying and then we found out that one of our cousins passed away. Golly, I sure hate this aspect of our existence but I know we must go thru it. It has really brought into focus this weeks Sabbath School lesson where it is stated "Without God life makes no sense...Without the answer to death, there's no answer to life, and that answer is found only in Jesus, who beat death and with that victory offers us what do can't get anywhere else."

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{PAM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hugs and Prayers
Puddly

Pam, if you are able, please update us, we care for you, and are hurting for you...

It has been 35 years since I lost my father, but pain and hurt is fresh in my mind..

Please let us know...

I came late into this thread.

I pray with four 80 year old saint ladies every wednesday night.

Pam and your family will be at the top of the list.

God bless u

Dear Pam,

I am very sorry to hear of the events in your life these last few days. I am struggling to express sympathy and support, and I am not doing a good job, I fear. Please know that I, too, am holding you and your family dear in heart and prayer during this time. I struggle with being a part of the hospital process in transferring folks in your dad's situation to hospice care on an almost daily basis. Just want you to know that it is not easy to be on the other side of this process. Hospice is a really good thing altho not what anyone envisions for their loved ones. Please keep us updated as you are able to.

Morning Glory

My dad died about 4 hours ago. I'd been with him about 18 hrs overnight and most of the morning, and had gone home to sleep for a bit since my brother and mom got there.... couldn't sleep so went back to the hospice. Dad died about 10 minutes after I got back to him.

Thank you all SO much for the prayers and encouraging and helpful thoughts you put here. I think I'm in shock. Too much, too fast. I'm the rock of Gibraltar for others during a crisis like this, but in a few days I crumble.

oh Pam I'm so so so sorry!!!! You are in my prayers. God shares your sorrow.

You are in my prayers and hope you will find peace in knowing God is at your side throughout these times of suffering and loss.

annie

Oh Pam. How I feel for you and your family. You have done all you could possibly have done over the last few days - and now you will be left feeling rather aimless as well as grief stricken. The numbness is quite helpful in the early stages. I pray there will be some one there for you, when the down time comes. That you will be able to sleep. And for the peace of God and a realisation of His love for His children.

You are allowed to crumble

See God treated Elijah when he crumbled and ran away after Mt Camel - God nursed him, not condemned him

/Bevin

Pam, may the God of all comfort wrap His loving arms around you right now. He shares your sorrow.

Dave

Pam, numb can be a good thing, and it is quite normal.

His suffering is finished now. May the Lord grant you good sleep and strength for your family as you go through the motions of the things that have to be done.

Words are puny things at times like these. Yet with distance, they may be all we have.

A few years ago, I had to tell a father his 14YO son had died. Even though both my parents are gone, telling dear friend he had lost his child is the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

In the face of death, all notions of self-sufficiency fade away. The sense of loss can take with it our confidence, our appetites, our desire even to carry on. If I could, I would simply come and sit with you. In silence if you desire, or listening to whatever you need to say. And I do mean whatever.

When the emotions come, and they will, they will be a mixture. No matter how much we loved the one who has gone, often there is anger at the sense of abandonment, regret for what might have been, as well as sadness at loss. Don't let anyone, including yourself, tell you these emotions are 'the wrong way to feel.' Let them out.

My father died when I was 24, and I had to be strong for my mother and sister. I had no time to grieve. I was going to school at Andrews, and after the funeral I had to return to my studies. I was strong. I did not let the emotions out. It was 18 YEARS later when a Godly counselor helped me find and release that grief. So I turned a two-year grieving process into nearly two decades. What might have healed slowly over a number of months remained an open sore for many years.

So it's OK. When they're ready to come, let all the emotions out, whether they sound good and nice or not. If you need to send me a PM expressing 'bad' feelings, go ahead. We've been through some of this before.

Although you likely cannot feel it now, there is hope for the future. Hemingway said "Every true story ends in death." But he was only partially right. For the Bible assures us that the truest story does not end, but endures in life eternal.

I'm not telling you to "cheer up," or "it's all for the best," because such cheap words wound more than heal in the dark hours. I'm only saying, in the darkness remember that light still exists.

He who sweat great drops of blood in Gethsemane knows what grief is, and He will watch with you in the dark hours, if you let Him. You may even need to echo His prayer, asking God why He has forsaken you. Because the answer always is, "I will never forsake you."

The Jesus who wept outside Lazarus' tomb weeps with you over this loss. Let Him comfort you. "You can throw the whole weight of your anxieties upon him, for you are his personal concern." 1 Peter 4:7 Phillipps.

PM me if you need to.

Aww ED!!! That was such a kind and understanding post!!! Thanks for being you.

Well said, Ed, especially when you wrote that words are puny things for times as these

Thank you

All things are small before the specter of loss.

But words are what I can give-

Yes, and how much of that beauty from all those artisans has been borne of pain and no other way!

I think that when someone has to pass through an experience such as this that we who respond are connecting him/her with ourselves somehow.

All those who have walked this path already are there with you in our hearts, even though you are experiencing this, your own grief

You have many friends here :)

I am so sorry, Pam!

(((((((((((((((GORGEOUS PAM)))))))))))))))))

I can't wait for Heaven and to see you reunited with your Dad!
Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

Halfstep Denise

Hugs((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Pam))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ditto what Ed said! Pam, you are in our hearts and prayers. I can't agree more with Ed over the grieving. I pray that you can give yourself time to heal. And Pam, it's ok to grieve in whatever manner you want to. I had a friend that was an outward expressive griever and her sister was the one who internalized her grief. My friend couldn't understand why her sister didn't cry at their fathers death. So please don't worry what others think about what they see or not see. You grieve the way you want to. Love your heart, You are so loved by God (and us!). I hope you realize how special you are to us!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{PAM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I don't know what to say to the outpouring of such kind and understanding words. I am SO grateful for all that everyone has said. And for the hugs....

I have such mixed feelings about my dad no longer being alive.

On the one hand, he doesn't need to be the recepient of snubs anymore by organizations, such as the Boy Scouts who told him they didn't need his services anymore - after 60 years of teaching wilderness survival, mountain climbing, etc to the younger generations. If I had known about that when it happened, this is what i'd have done to the twits making the decisions that Summer Camp should be biking and playing canasta:

On the other hand, someone told me that perhaps Dad's job was finished here on earth..... that perhaps the people during his lifetime who needed to learn about wilderness survival and mountaineering have been taught.

But anyways, Dad is gone. My mom made the decision to have him cremated - no funeral - but a memorial at the end of April. She will get the ashes sometime this week and keep them at home. ....I don't know about that. In fact, I'm VERY uncomfortable with that.. it's partly my witchcraft background, I think.

I am still rather numb....I'm an expert at denial and wandering off into my own world and getting lost. My family has already expressed wonderment at my being able to stay with Dad during the nights and most of the days without completely coming unglued. Unfortunately, I AM coming unglued.....and i have to go to work again. Geez....I hope my boss understands.