Pam I am sorry to hear of how your father is. My prayers are added to those of others here, especially for you and your family, and that your father may be at peace.

Thank you again, all of you, for your prayers.
My dad's breathing is tortuous now. The MD's are surprised he is lasting as long as he is. And now Medicare is saying we have to get him out of the hospital and into a care facility (or come home), otherwise we have to pay the hospital $1000 per day. There's no way my mom could care for him at home - and I work too far away to be of help during the day.... so it is to hospice we will have to take him.

If my dad lasts long enough, he will be moved to a hospice tomorrow morning (where they want over $3000 on account) until his breathing and cardiac function completely shuts down, whereupon he will be gathered up and taken away by the funeral home.

I've been staying nights with dad. I just cannot abide the idea that he die alone...so I'm there all night and most of the mornings, and my mom and brother are there from mid-morning until I get there again in the evenings.

This is all so very very hard for me. I have never been to a funeral or even a memorial service. They have always sounded so macabre to me. And here it is that the person who will be mourned is my own father.

Oh Pam... I am so sorry for you pain. I wish I could do more for you...

Still praying...

Clio

Pam, I know it is very hard for you. The funeral home people are very nice and helpful indeed. They will help when the time comes

The hospice folks, if they are down there what they are up here in Canada, will be an awesome help as well.

Just one step at a time, Pam. It will all work itself out.

Thank you SO MUCH for keeping in touch! Your family is in our thoughts continually!

Pam, I know exactly what you are going through and what you are feeling. I lost my mother when I was 23 and the hospital also told us she could not die there but had to be moved to a nursing home. (hospice was in its infancy then) She passed in the early hours the day after we made the arrangements. That was a blessing. But it would have been nice to be able to have been with her. At that time familys were not able to stay in the rooms past visiting hours. I feel that you staying with your father right up to the end will help some with closure and grief. It's also hard right now to see just how this all fits into Gods plan for you and your family. I don't have any answers for you except to keep praying and ask God those hard questions. He is holding you right now. He is holding your mother. His hands are so large that He is holding all your stress, guilt, grief, anger and confusion. And if you happen to let go and strike out at God, that's ok. He knows it's only in emotion and He wont let you go. Neither will we as we pray for you and your family.

What Amelia said, Pam. I agree with totally. Abba's shoulders are big!!! He can take whatever you place there... including a punch or two.

Clio

Beautiful. Very encouraging. And so True :)

Pam it is just over 5 years since my father died, lingeringly after a stroke - but he was peaceful. My mother decided that for various reasons he would be buried and then people would gather in the church for a memorial service. All on the same day. She said she did not want us to go into the church later and remember his coffin there. The service was a mixture of tears and laughter as people remembered the man they had known as work mate, amateur geologist, local historian and author. It was not remotely macabre, but quite honestly a celebration of the life of a special person. He was 88 and you could say his time had come - but until the stroke his mind had still been very sharp, and we still miss him.

I hope you can find a positive experience in the funeral/memorial service when the time comes. It is not all negative at all - and I sometimes rewatch the video to remember the person whom others knew too.

Funerals are not for the dead - they know nothing. They are for the living, to help bring closure to one part of life and to open another. The "mourning" - the emotional expression - is a combination of social traditions and personal style. If you want to be distraught, do so; if you want to be calm and dispassionate, do so.

Your mother is going to need a lot of support for about a year - there is all the winding down of the estate, the learning to do things she has not done before, and the loss of a full time friend. The first few weeks are actually the easy ones because there are things to do and people actively helping - it is the months after that, when her previous life has been destroyed and her new life has not yet been built, that are hard.

/Bevin

ps: Yes, you guessed, at my mother's funeral I was the calm and dispassionate one.

pps: Over the next year, make sure you remember the important dates - birthday, wedding, death, funeral - your mother will especially value your contact on these days

A lot of wisdom in that post, Bevin. I agree wholeheartedly.