Dear Child of God,

I'm so sorry about your situation. Please know you have friends here. I'll be praying for you tonight and every night. God is so wonderful. He already knows what you need, even before you express it to Him in words. And chances are, He already has your future life all lined up waiting for you to be ready to enjoy it.

May I make just one comment [based on my viewpoint of 'threescore years and ten']?

I felt the exact same way as you do now, when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I was SO lonely. I wanted SO badly to be married, to have someone love me, to have a child of my own, etc., etc. I used to pray and pray for these things! IMHO, that's a normal, natural longing every young woman has. That's our natural, "nesting" impulse, placed in us by the Creator. But in our contemporary culture, often there's no appropriate manner or method for a girl to be married at that particular age. The men aren't ready then, or we don't meet them then, or whatever. -- And this happens to ALL girls, not just those from abusive homes.

But now, looking back, I realize that had I married any of the men with whom I was acquainted at that age, I would have made a terrible mistake. I didn't know myself; I didn't know how to love another person properly; I didn't have enough self-esteem to "hold my own" in life. So it's a blessing my prayers were not answered just then.

It takes a lot of living and maturing to make us into persons who can run a home properly, and raise children properly. And thinking about others rather than ourselves is the best way to begin that maturation process.

The best way to increase one's self-esteem is to lead others. I've seen it happen. If you start teaching a Sabbath school class of teenagers or pre-teens, and become actually a friend and a role model for those youngsters, it begins to force you to think not of yourself but of someone else. Thinking and leading other people is the best way to grow! You have a skill you can pass along to them [Bible study, map reading, even crocheting or swimming, for example] and they will be looking to YOU for leadership. This immediately forces you to stop worrying about why people aren't treating YOU right; it immediately makes you IMPORTANT to those young people, at least for that hour or two each week.

If you look at your list [Numbers 1 - 4], each one centers on wishing others would start treating you right. Best thing is to stop thinking of ourselves, and start concentrating on how to help others. I've seen it (in my own family), when my Ex used to verbally abuse my #1 Son so terribly, and show favoritism to #2 Son continually; it just broke my heart. But #1 Son has somehow been able to rise above it, and now today, when he's in his late 40s, he's able to relate to that abusive father on a man-to-man level. He doesn't grovel at his feet; he doesn't ask anything of him, nor does he get anything from him [that father hasn't changed]. But Son does not let it bring him down. He has become a successful professional man and he is doing his own things; and occasionally he talks to his father but doesn't expect to receive anything from him, so is never disappointed.

If we don't build up hopes, then we won't be disappointed.

I don't know how old you are, but perhaps it'd be healthier for you to move out of the home and establish yourself somewhere away from where the parents can hurt you.

Also, it's better for a person [male or female] to be living on his/her own, working and earning his/her own living, for several years before marrying. We need to develop our own strengths, on our own, and the ability to pay our own bills, etc., before we try to find a person to marry. We then become truly mature individuals, able to live alone successfully, not needy persons needing rescuing. The more power you hand over to another person [parent or spouse], the less power you have in return. The person who loves least in a relationship has the most power. So keep your balance, keep your equilibrium about living life alone; and soon you'll be a great "catch" for a man and you'll even be able to judge whether HE meets YOUR requirements before deciding to marry.

Oh dear, I always run on too long. I always feel a need to lend a hand, so to speak. [I used to be a teacher, and it shows!]

My dear late husband used to say, "Jeannie will give advice on ANY subject!" He said it kindly, but I know I tend to "mother" people who don't really need my advice.

Please know God has you in His sights. This period of your life will soon become just like a bad dream in your past. Don't expect a "knight to come riding" to save you out of your situation; but just keep on being the very best you can be--and one day you'll find a wonderful mate, in a place you never expected to find him.

Thank you. Everyone.

Things haven't changed much around here, excepting for two things. For one, well, here's a quote from an email I sent my best friend this evening:



I feel like I've cracked some major Biblical code or something. Funny thing is, this is exactly what my best friend has modeled for me the whole time I've known him. I just couldn't see it because I was in so much pain.

As for taking the blame... I'm not responsible for that which I didn't cause. I also don't take responsibility for that which I wasn't taught as a child/teen/college student in "the system" or at home. I don't find my value in changing myself, either - I no longer believe in the "change yourself" attitude because I can't change myself, nor should I - I am God's to begin with. The above email is one that came from the epiphany I had tonight as I stood out by the rows of corn planted in the back yard, stared at my house, thought of my family vs. my friends. My family lives with me because they at least value my physical life. My friends don't want to live with me because they can't handle that much of my emotional life. I'm enough of a handful on a "once in awhile" basis. Yet I do know that my friends love me. And my being "high maintainance" has had to do with this whole problem with my family. Which I hope I am finding my way out of.

I've lost a lot in several friendships with people because I was angry with my parents, so my friends didn't trust me. And what did my being angry last night accomplish? Nothing. My parents are devoid of caring at all about any of this. So I'm the only one getting hurt by validating anything they did to me at all. And I'm losing out on whatever time I have left to show them that they are more valuable as people than all the huge mistakes they've made in "parenting" me by dropping me out of the nest ever since I was a tot, without catching me on the way down, and actually expecting me to learn to fly that way...

Anyway, choosing to put my parents above their mistakes isn't a way of changing myself. I will always be me, no matter how many hoops I jump through, or how hard I try. But it is a Realization of God's Calling to me. There is little I can say or do to change things between my parents and me: we are just on two different tracks in life. But I can still put their value above their mistakes, and I can still be nice to them in general.

Also, I want to say here that, rudywoofs, your post was exactly what I needed to hear - with the "end of your rope" part and the whole eagle analogy. If you are who I think you are, well, I guess I had it coming... *Grins her first grin in days* Either way, you know something: that was so profound and prophetic it's just not even funny. I encourage you to continue Listening to your heart, and staying true to it.

Also, please don't worry - I took the eagle analogy in the way it was intended. I agree completely, that God has been doing this, in regards to the Understanding of Forgiveness and just how necessary it really is for Sanity. What would the Kingdom be without it? What would it be like if all we had were rules and punishments, and no ability to Understand that we're all limited in our humanity, and that we have to be willing to let each other be who we are, even when that includes the hurtful sides of each of us?

To each of you, thank you so much for posting the Love that you have. I've needed to know that I'm not alone. I had no idea that so many others had gone through practically the exact same thing. It's confusing and frustrating, isn't it? Yet the truth is, the only way out is through the Door, the Narrow Gate, our Savior and what He did for us - that He's been Showing us how to do for each other and our families and friends. Against Forgiveness, there is no Law.

Thank you, Clio. You've been very encouraging to me, praying for me as you have. It helps to know that God Hears our prayers, and does all He can do to affect change where it can be made.

And you know, I think I see you soaring! It's beautiful to watch, and very comforting.

Thank you sweets I love your name! You make me smile

Thank you for your encouragement. I PMed you about the whole "knight in shining armor" thing.

Just to let everyone here know: I'm not at all expecting that, or looking for it. In fact, I've come about as near to having had it with men as I care to get. Lovely race, in their own right, but when I can't even be forgiven by "forgiving" men for not always knowing how to trust or forgive because I was abused... It's just exhausting and heartbreaking, and I've had enough of it. All you parents out there would do well to stop warning your kids about "marrying the child of divorce or bad marriage." You'd do better to arm your own kids with knowing how to love, trust, and most importantly, really forgive - anyone, including those who don't know how to forgive. Because the truth is, even children of "healthy" marriages aren't perfect, and sometimes are the ones who are the most love-expecting and least love-giving of all, because they're so used to being coddled by mommy and daddy And that has to be forgiven too. I just wish we'd stop making rules for avoiding "bad" people, and instead, learn how to deal with human beings, from all walks of life.

Also, I'm in my early 30s, and have previously lived alone. I PMed you the details on that too.

One other note is that I really do believe that, if there were a good man out there who loved me, he wouldn't mind my wanting him to love me! It's only men who don't already love me who don't want me to want them to love me, nor do they want my love. Because they are unloving men, or just aren't attracted to me. The way I see it is this: when a man shows me Real Love, when he has no expectations of me whatsoever, when he wants me to be his wife, I'll know that I'm Loved. But please understand that I don't go looking for this, I don't ask for it...

I just trust that when it's real, it will be given to me because he wants to - if that ever happens at all, which really, I don't imagine anymore that it will, or hope for it. Not after some of the things I've been through. Honestly, I'm more likely to find an all-loving man in a bar than in church, because of our "Christian Standards" etc. Once you make those rules for people, it becomes a matter of exclusion rather than inclusion. There's nothing wrong with giving an honest woman a chance, if you already know that you see something in her you'd like to have.

What's wrong is when you bar that same woman, who sees something in you that she wants in her husband, based on some silly set of rules that in the end don't mean anything at all other than personal pride/ego being stroked out in the church foyer for having married such a "virtuous" woman (who lived up to your rules for who your wife has to be, etc). The problem with that is that, all she has to do is mess up in that once, even in being unforgiving or untrusting, or in some other area of life, and then she's out: you'll be disappointed in her, you won't like her, you won't treat her right, you won't forgive her... Because you have your rules, and darn it, you must adhere to them, because you want to marry the "perfect" woman. Etc. It's just sick and psychotic. It's better to be forgiving, be perhaps even a little flexible, talk things out with a woman you find attractive rather than just giving her the ax based on some silly set of rules that keep you from having a great relationship with her...

Can you all see why I'm rather disinterested at the moment in the idea of marrying anyone at all? After all, I wouldn't be marrying a man: I'd be marrying a rule-book. Funny. I used to think God was a Rule Book. Glad to know that's not really true, that He's a Person, has a Heart, and Loves me more than all of my personal character flaws. Sure, He Guides me out of them, slowly, but He doesn't just give me the ax. I used to think He had already done that.

Thank you so much for this. Thank you for knowing that it's a good thing to have the need to be loved by trustworthy parents, and that it's normal to hurt when they aren't like that to you.

I'm sorry you (and others here) have been abused as well. I said before that I'm glad I'm not alone. Um, I'll rephrase that. I'm glad we're together, but I wish that none of us had gone through anything like this. It cuts right to the bone, doesn't it? It's like you know what's "right" to do, but you can't because you're stuck living with these people who just keep pounding at you well after there's nothing left of you anyway... And then you get told at church that you have to let that be "ok" by forgiving and forgetting - when you're just a little kid!

Honestly, I think we need to set up a system where Gospel (Salvation through Grace) minded people are elected in each church to be "mom" figures for the littlest ones to go to, and who can also encourage "church moms" to be more "Gospel Minded" towards their kids who can't possibly have perfection or anything close to it expected of them, just because they aren't in diapers anymore - even at "age appropriate" levels. It's time we allowed kids to be just that: kids, even when that means that they aren't so "wonderful" all the time. Sure, they need guidance, but also forgiveness that lets them have another try at it, rather than punishments that only discourage them from having any hope at all of being good enough as little people inside to succeed at anything. And I think the same "rule" should be applied to the teens and adults, rather than grace-less rebuke and threats and punishments and the like, just because they do things that aren't so "Kosher" all the time. I just really feel like we've got to stop expecting perfection out of everyone: including ourselves.

I know I do.

Anyway, thank you Clio. You're encouragement goes miles and light-years above and beyond. My spirit resounds with yours.

Thank you for your kind words and understanding. No, some people never understand - because they are in pain themselves, and their only way of protecting themselves is by building up a lot of rules for others to follow. "Plug tab A into slot B and have a wonderful life - forget that you're life and your personality have been messed over by untrustworthy, unloving people."

That personality thing is exactly what I'm talking about here: that's what's being held against me by people in general, but more specifically by men who refuse to see me as "marriage material." Which is what hurts the most, because, well, they'll be my friends, but nothing more (this isn't about some "knight in shining armor," it's about how I've been treated by these guys). Because I didn't always know how to love them with forgiveness, or trust that they wouldn't intentionally abuse me. It's all about rules, fear, and selfishness and self protection. And it's not God's way. He Loved me before I Loved Him. He Spiritually Married me before I knew how to Forgive anyone, or trust anyone either.

My best friend has a saying, "There is no Law." Well put. There should be no "law" regarding who's good enough, or bad enough, or forgiving or trusting enough, for who. Yet even then, I can and have Forgiven the men who've held me up to such a lofty standard of perfection, in being all-Trusting and all-Forgiving. It only pains me to know that I'm not what they wanted because I can't be that close to them, to give them Love more fully or openly.

What one person says, with finite eyes and heart means little to your Creator. He formed you, and is working in your life to His purpose. Trust in Him... not in what any human has to say.

Clio

I like your constructive idea of having mentors among the churched. It's very biblical... what Paul was attempting to instruct the churches to have... Unfortunately we have moved to rigid religion from flexible relationship.

It seems to be based on fear... fear of failure. And fear paralyzes, leading to stagnation, works-based execution of a faith-based relationship.

<---- Stepping off my soapbox now... I will continue to pray for you CG4E. I will pray that Abba will wrap your emotions in the soft cotton batting He gave to me while my nerve endings healed. For a time, as He worked in my life, even the gentlest touch against those emotional wounds was exquisitely painful. The soft cotten batting helped tremendously as He worked His healing.

Never forget, that just because you are healing doesn't mean you're going to be miraculously pain free.

Think about physical healing. Often it hurts for a while before it gets better... it's tender, sore, and doesn't react well when poked, prodded, debrided, cleaned, etc. But that doesn't mean you're not getting better.

Just keep going back to the River and bathing your wounds in the River of Life.

Clio

Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. I know all about knowing that this isn't about being pain free. I've already Forgiven everything I've mentioned on this board: my parents, friends, those men who hurt me... Everything. Because they are more important than their mistakes. Which they did make. At least from my point of view, which is the whole point. But those mistakes have had very real affects on my own life, and I have to deal with that. The pain is real and I have to learn to live with it, yet not allow it to keep me down. That's the part that I'm struggling with right now.