Those of you who've read my previous posts or PM'd with me know about things in my family. All hell broke loose tonight, mom and I are going to start counseling soon - I've already emailed my counselor to make arrangements for mom and I to see her either together or separately.

The main issues are:

1. Abuse from my parents, and their denial of personal responsibility in it, and their blaming me for it.
2. My need for them to really love me, stop expecting me to be perfect, stop wanting me to do things for them that they can do for themselves.
3. My self esteem. I really don't have much of one, outside of my Knowing God's Love for me.
4. All of this has been used against me as the reasons for why I'm not "marriage-worthy," because I'm not naturally trusting and forgiving enough. It takes real work on my part for both to happen, whereas with some other more "privileged" women out there, who've come from good homes and have had more chances in life to enjoy it and really live it: they are just much more attractive than I am, even to "forgiving" men. This rips me apart inside, to the point where I can't take it anymore, and I've just really begun to crack, lash out, etc. It's like it's my "fault" for being the way I am (that whole "personal responsibility" thing), but it's not, because I wasn't raised right to begin with. Now I'm paying the price for being the victim of abuse and for not having been taught in the first place how to trust (or even know who I can trust), or how to forgive any and everything. I wasn't taught how to love others, either. And that's being held against me as well.

All of these will be discussed in counseling. Sure, I could use a sympathetic ear. Probably more than that, some good, sound, God's-Love based advice (please don't throw a lot of texts or quotes at me, ok? I'm really just not in the mood to go looking a lot of stuff up or trying to use any brain cells at all right now), but most of all, I need to ask for prayer. Lots of it. Especially regarding #4. It's just so unfair, cruel... And I've gotten to a place where I could forgive any man who has previously made the mistake of holding these things against me. We all make mistakes. Of all people, I'm well aware of that.

Right now, I'm working on transferring that willingness to forgive men who've judged me unfairly to forgiving my parents for abusing me all these years. They've been so unfair: expecting me to love and trust and forgive them under those circumstances. But I can't take knowing that this is destroying my life. That I'm unchoosable because no one has chosen to really, truly love me passionately and openly, nor to allow me to do the same with them. It hurts so bad I can't even think straight about it anymore. I cry so hard over it that I literally howl. And I don't know how to stop crying - at least not for good. It comes and goes in spells, but it never really ends. My heart just can't take this anymore.

Also, I don't only ask this for me. But for every abused woman out there. Some are single. Some are single moms. Some are married, with or without kids. Some are teenagers, others are 4 years old. Look out for those kids: they're usually the ones who can't remember their memory verses yet their moms insist that they "worked" with them over and over on them. "Worked." More like tried to shove that "exercise" down their throats along with their broccoli.

These are the little girls who aren't allowed to be kids: to get "dirty," etc. Perfection of them is required, and their moms are embarrassed of any little mistake on their parts. And openly express that. Or like to say, "Oh, don't mind her, she's just a brat/difficult child," or "she's just having a bad day." Both statements are comparing the child to some standard of perfection and then pointing out some fault in the child. Those moms are abusers who've been abused themselves as children. They need love and hugs, but also being told what God's Forgiving Love is really all about, and how they can apply it to their relationships with their daughters. Yes, it's abusive to use perfection as a weapon against your own child. It has to be. Or else what my mom said tonight is very true, that "there's something wrong inside (my) brain." In any case, that's what I was put through not just by her, but also by her mother, and some other women I knew as a small girl in Sabbath School. The problem is not that this happened in the past. The problem is that it killed my self-esteem and it never recovered because this sort of thing just kept happening to me, and quite frankly, for the most part, has never really stopped. I can't take this anymore.

Please pray, in complete Faith, and don't stop praying or Trusting. Thank you.

I will be praying.

Clio

Thank you. This is so totally needed. I've been afraid to go out into the main house today just to get food to eat. I'm not all that hungry anyway. It's like I don't know what to do anymore, or how to feel.

CG4E -

I understand how hard it is to "know" how to feel when you've been emotionally abused.

Our emotions are not supposed to be a curse. They are a gift, one which allows us to receive Abba's love for us and return it to Him full measure, magnified by our emotions. When those we care about, and who should be caring for us, protecting us, and teaching us, abuse this gift it is exquisitely painful. Moreso, I think, because we instinctively know this is a gift that is supposed to bring us safety and joy, making the pain when it's abused even worse.

You might find Isaiah 54 helpful...

Clio

COG4E, Having been in somewhat similar circumstances, I can only empathize and pray for you and with you. You sound like you're at the end of your rope.

I hardly ever quote scripture, but I'm going to this time.


An eagle's nest is built high. They make it of briars and sharp twigs and other scratchy materials. Then they line it with soft feathers and moss. When it comes time for the little eaglet to learn to fly, the mama (or papa) eagle stirs up the inside of the nest so that the sharp briars and stickery things are in the nest instead of the nice soft bed. The eaglet doesn't like that. The parent eagle then nudges the eaglet up and over the nest. The eaglet has no experience in flight... so she flaps her wings, but drops like lead. But the mama bird is watching. Before the eaglet can hit ground, she swoops underneath the eaglet and bears her up on her shoulders where the pinion feathers are. The eaglet grabs hold of those pinion feathers and the mama and eaglet fly waaayyy up high again. Then the mama eagle makes a sudden shift in movement and the eaglet falls off again...flapping its wings...falling downward once more. The mama eagle AGAIN flys low beneath the eaglet before she hits ground and catches her, and again they soar up high with the eaglet holding tight to those pinions.. And once more the mama eagle makes a sharp turn and the eaglet falls off. But this time, she's sort of getting the idea of flapping the wings, noticing air currents, and instead of falling straight towards the ground, she begins the flight upward.

That is my wish and prayer for you. That even though everything looks bleak and you feel like you're going to crash and burn any second, God will swoop down and bear you up on HIS shoulders......for you to hold on to His pinions.... and to keep at it until, yes! You have learned to fly and soar with the eagles. You will, y'know...

*whispers* .... and so will/have you too.

I don't know Clio.....having been alluded to elsewhere on the forum today as the Handiwork of Satan by someone who ostensibly knows all about spiritual things, perhaps God does not care about me...what with being in league with the devil and all.

I understand your pain. I will lift you up in prayer. God loves you so much. He is going to come through for you.

Child of God 4ever,

I just read your post and can see that you are hurting a lot. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I have gone through some serious pain in my life too. Times when I could do nothing but cry. Times when I cried out, "I just want someone to love me!!!" Times when I was so hurt that I could not stand it. I was so depressed during those days.

I know the pain, although it did come the same way, it came from the same source. It's hard to get people to understand, in fact, some never will. They tell you to "just get over it," ya right; if I could do that don't ya think I would have already!!!

We do some strange things at times when we hurt like that I and my hope for you is that you don't do anything to hurt yourself. I know you can make it through this and when you do, you will be so much better for it, even though it may not be something you've caused.

If I could give you some advice (and it will sound strange) this is what it is: take upon yourself all of the blame that you can, but!!! seriously look at what is being said and see if it holds any truth. By doing that you can come though this and know that you have done all that you could without running away from possible pain and you will have no doubt as to what is true and what is not. Then when you know the truth, (for example you may find that there is some validity to one of their accusations) then, you can work to change that trait and it will be healing to you all.

I did this and found that a lot of what I was going through was caused by how I reacted to the abuse I went through as a child and as an adult. I had created a method of thinking and behavior that was actually protecting me from getting hurt but was harming me socially and in relationships. So I accepted my part and was able to make certain changes and was no longer afraid and no longer a slave to that thinking and behavior which, it turns out, was self destructive.

Please do not think that I am saying "it's your fault that all this is going on" but rather to objectively look at this for your own well being. I know you may not be able to do this or you may not understand this now, but print it up and save it for later when it may be of benefit to you. Pain sometimes keeps us from seeing things.

Norman