All my life i have been alone and didn t trust anybody. My last girlfriend was with me for 6 years and she was my everything. She stopped me from cutting myself, drugs, alcohol, pornography etc. but since a short while we are apart. My mind is totally messed up, kind of schizophrenic. The only thing that seems to stop the pain is pornography, but when i am 'clean' for a while i feel a tremendous pain because there is nobody left in my life. Friends: 0 People who understand me: 0 Reasons to continue living: 0 smiles :0 people i talk to: 0 Pain: unmeasureable Reasons to commit suicide:100. The only reason i am still willing to live is because i don t want my parents to be sad about me, but they are already old so as soon as they are gone, i ll probably take the decision to stop living. I know that suicide is a sin, but i don t want to get into heaven. Each and every night praying for help from God doesn t seem to help. And each time i acknowledge the fact that i am very sinfull and mentally ill but apparantly God doesn t have grace for me. My intentions were always good and my environment messed up. The reason that as a child i wanted to know God was because i thought he was truly righteous and full of grace. I don t want to be with a God that orders his people to kill women and children (in the old testamtent), does not fullfill his promises (Jesus always said, ask the father and he will give you and why should he give you a stone if you asked for bread?) and is lacking of grace. I know i am messed up but if God loved me he would have told me what i should do. More and more i get the idea that God allowed the devil to do his wicked works in order to glorify himself in the end. I agree that God is wayyy better than the devil but God himself isnt perfect either. Living to me is like torture. I am tired of false hope, depressions, addictions, disappointments etc. I know that in the end it was my own fault, i blame nobody for the stupid things i have done. Maybe God can proof me wrong, but he doesn t listen to my prayers so maybe some of yours can help me. Thank u very much

You're welcome Truthseeker. I'm glad that we can be here for you to talk to. We will listen. It is good to write things down sometimes. You are in my prayers. And continue to give us updates as to how you are feeling and how things are going for you.

Hang in there buddy, no storms that last forever. We love you here...

Gem

You've make a statement that you have no friends, but you have quite a few here on CA. So never think that you are without friends. We are all here for you. We will keep you in our prays. And God does love you more than we can, or more than you can imagine. And like redwood said keep us informed and in touch.

pkrause

Thanks for your support. You are the only ones i can talk to. I am quite saddened but i refuse to give up yet. I still have some goals in life that i want to achieve. After i ve finished my study of international politics i want to emigrate to the states in order to study theology at an adventist university. After i have graduated i want to built churches in my own country. Churches in my country (Holland) are dissapearing rapidly. About 20 years ago there were about 20000 churches nowadays it is less than 7000. Nearly every day a church dissapears. Anyway it were fallen churches and i think it is time for laudicea to settle itself with great power. Please forgive me if i am talking like a sick person sometimes, but i acknowledge the fact that i am mentally ill and i am trying to make the best of it. Hopefully i ll soon have enough money to move out to Germany where i can live in peace in the forests close to nature instead of living next to a highway. I wish i soon can have my own house and make it a headquarters for the everlasting gospel. I can t do this on my own, and as God doesn t want to help me, my intentions are hopeless. Anyway thanks for your support. I have been rejected by everyone all my life so it feels strange not te be immediately rejected. Thanks...

Truth ... you are not rejected here. I hope you know that you can always come here for support.

I am very impressed with your stated goals. Please ... when you get discouraged ... just focus ... focus and focus on the goals that you have articulated. I believe that God is in you and He has a plan for you. You are loved by Him ... or you would not have the good goals and intentions that you have stated.

We all have handicaps or barriers that we are presented . These hinder but do not stop us from accomplishing good things for Him.

You are in my prayers. And my God is a Good God. He is a loving and powerful God. He will be with you and bless you and keep you.

As someone who has experienced the black abyss that is depression, I will not pretend that I know how you feel, but I'll just say that there was a time when I could have written that.



And you struggle with exactly the same spiritual dilemmas that I still do. (No, I don't have all the answers yet...)



I remember that feeling well...as the mind sinks into the abyss, the first thing that vanishes is the feeling of connectedness - with God and with other humans. Prayers do not go higher than the ceiling. The reality of God ceases to be a reality (if it ever was). It becomes impossible to connect with other humans, and the overwhelming feeling is that nobody can possibly understand.

Don't give up, friend - it does come back, even though sometimes it may take a long time. A little glimmer at a time, just a split second, a momentary connection, and then the black night descends again. The moments become more frequent, and last a little longer. Then you are on the slow but sure road to recovery.



Don't give up. Hold on to those goals. They are proof that you are not worthless and that God is still speaking to your innermost self.



You would never condemn a man with a broken leg for not being able to run a marathon.

You would never condemn somebody with a mental ilness for not living a perfect life and not being able to think and act 100% correctly all of the time.

Even though you have doubts and struggles about the character of God (and don't we all, at times?), don't you think he would be at least a little bit more compassionate than us imperfect humans?

Remember, you are not alone, you have been able to put into words what many people struggle with and are afraid to express. I will certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I looking forward to getting to know more about the real "truthseeker007" who will emerge when all of these things that trouble you start to be healed.

aldona

Hi Truth. I do not think I have the answers for you - but I do repeat what Aldona has said, you have friends here and we will pray for you.

I am not sure if you are into reading - there is a book by Catherine Marshall called Light in My Darkest Hour when she was struggling for answers and feeling cut off from God - she who had been an acknowledged Christian writer for many years - if reading of how others have struggled and finally come through, is helpful, that book might be useful.

Meantime, you are in my prayes.

Father, many of us come to ask that you remember our young friend and send the Holy Spirit to reveal You and your Love. Draw close to him in his loneliest and darkest hours. Wrap him in Your loving arms and carry him through his trials.

We pray in Jesus's name and claim Your promises. Thank You for hearing and answering this prayer.

Thanks for your prayers. I will never give up. If this year, i am going to work hard, then next year i will have a lot of time. I was considering to do a law study at the university next to my other study, but Seventh day adventism is a study in itself and i want to settle this issue once and for all. On the one hand i am going to read the bible very clearly and all of Ellen G white s writings. On the other hand i am going to read all of the criticism and all of the defense. It will be a hell of a job, but my mind is kind of like a computer that detects inconsistencies, so i ll finish. On the basis of my research, the results i ll share with you, i ll make a firm decision. Either a reject the SDA church or i will do everything i possibly can to spread the gospel. I ll give free seminaries everywhere, hand out information everywhere i can and give 100 percent no matter what everybody thinks. My family will reject me because they always wanted me to have a good job career etc, but personally i feel way richer when i have the oppurtunity to increase knowledge. You know how many theologians, philosophers etc. dedicate their lives to rubbish for a little honour of human beings? All i care about is the truth, until now i have never seen any credible evidence why ellen white is a fraud and i have investigated all the issues. Only the investigative judgement etc. have to be clear. I can guarantee that if i am ready with my investigation it will make the heavens and earth tremble because then i ll go all the way. It is a spiritual battle against principalities and lies, but i am determined. Please pray that God will not let me die before i really had the oppurtunity to use the gifts and talents that he gave me to spread the gospel. I am thankfull for Walter Veith but it is war and we need back up. I used to be the smartest kid on college, but after using drugs and alchol very excessively, i lost some of my mental capabilities. Please pray that they will return, I am thankfull for all of you. If anybody has a share of helping me on track by asking help for the lord, i ll promise i ll give them an equal share of the reward of the fruits that i ll bear. Actually that should be given to God, but God gave it to me so that would be strange. IF i ever get to heaven, all i need is little house where it doesn t rain all the time. Then i am happy because who wants to sit in a house anyway while you can observe all of the wonderfull creatures, that science today teaches are a culmination of impossible processes that could be traced back to a rock?They are crazy. thank God for all of the scientific evidence blasting evolution.