#36110 - 04/25/05 08:00 PM
Re: Deliverance
[Re: ]
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The King's Daughter
Registered: 03/31/05
Posts: 2747
Loc: Alaska
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Nico,
I continue to lift you in prayer.
Clio
_________________________
A heart where He alone has first place.
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#36111 - 04/27/05 03:12 AM
Re: Deliverance
[Re: alisha]
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Registered: 11/22/03
Posts: 777
Loc: Beyond your grasp
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I just found this thread and have read it all through just now. I'm praying for your peace of mind, and for your strength to withstand this mental intrusion.
Thank you.
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My only contribution has to be from what my DH (a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who was also a deeply spiritual Christian) explained to me about this type of mental disturbance. We saw the movie "A Beautiful Mind," and DH told me that that movie was a perfect portrayal of hallucinations. Sometimes the hallucinations are visual, sometimes auditory, and sometimes only mental. But they are perceived as authentic. Here's where I think your "telepathic conversations with Satan" may be coming from: your chemical imbalance.
You may be right about that. Like I said, I don't care whether it turns out in the end it was mental illness, "chemical imbalance" or demons, so long as it comes to an end. I saw the movie you mention, by the way. Frankly I don't know which is harder, to train the mind to grasp that a full blown visual hallucination (like Nash's imaginary friends) is not real or to train the mind to grasp perfectly viable *concepts* as being unreal. I would think the hallucinations would be easier; you simply learn Person X and Person Y don't actually exist and that's that. Far easier than parsing what I'm trying to parse. But maybe I can only say that because I don't experience what John Nash experienced. I do know the movie made it seem way too easy to do this which is detrimental to understanding the whole thing for those who don't experience it who already have an air of unfamiliarity and unreality about it when they think of someone else experiencing it, they can't relate.
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So if you can, with the help of your pdoc and your meds, can you just resolve not to pay any attention to those demons within you -- because, you can remind yourself constantly, they are not real. They truly don't exist. They're a figment of mental wanderings.
The problem is, I don't KNOW what is real and what is not. I have no objective measure by which to tell which of these thoughts or voices is real and which is not, and because it takes the form of a "conversation" inside I have to follow the conversation out to get to the "punch line" so to speak -- to that definitive moment where it touches a nerve positively or negatively, where I conclude I've been talking with God or where it becomes apparent that whatever the thing is, it certainly cannot be God =-- and by then the damage has been done, because it has consumed my time and sent me into emotional upheaval.
That's just the tip of the iceberg -- I haven't bothered to mention all the free-floating terror ("anxiety" is not a strong enough word for this), intrusive images, random stuff that I can't just wave a magic wand and have it disappear. Believe me if I could, I would. I DON'T LIKE IT. I DON'T WANT IT.
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Everybody here admires you. Hugs and Christian love.
Thanks for your very kind words, Jeannie. I'm perfectly safe to admire because I'm completely incapable of perceiving it or believing it, so you can do so knowing you'll never give me a swelled up head over it. 
_________________________
"After such knowledge, what forgiveness?" -- T.S. Eliot
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#36112 - 04/28/05 08:04 AM
Re: Deliverance
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Princess of Pasadena
Registered: 12/29/01
Posts: 2332
Loc: California
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[chuckle] Yes, Nico, you certainly are "safe to admire!" You're a true icon. You can know we're here for you. And God is right there beside you, too.
_________________________
Jeannie
...Change is inevitable; growth is optional....
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#36114 - 05/07/05 02:27 AM
Re: Deliverance
[Re: seeker21]
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Registered: 11/22/03
Posts: 777
Loc: Beyond your grasp
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Not good. I'm having way more problems than just the mental issues, I just haven't gone into the whole catalog of ills I'm suffering right now here on the board -- mental, physical, financial -- I'm sure it all could be worse but right now what I'm dealing with is terrifying and more than I can handle.  If I thought there was any reason for warranting such a concept, I'd think every devil of hell had been let loose to vex me personally. However, I'm just not that important in the overall scheme of things (I realize that now) so there's no sense indulging paranoia on top of everything else. I appreciate the prayers though. Please keep 'em coming.
_________________________
"After such knowledge, what forgiveness?" -- T.S. Eliot
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#36115 - 05/07/05 10:04 PM
Re: Deliverance
[Re: ]
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Registered: 07/03/02
Posts: 426
Loc: Apopka, Florida
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I'm joining with Gail in this prayer. I have tears in my eyes. I know it doesn't help much to talk of others experience, Nico, but I had a mental illness too... many times in the hospital and ruined my whole life, career, and marriage...many therapists and meds. And seemed the sky was solid lead and prayers never heard. Your post could have been written by me, in despair, and pain just going on and on. But if it's any help at all, I did partner with God, He did gradually become larger and real in the core of me where it was either empty or tumultuous. I got over my mental agony. I'm praying for God to draw closer to you, and you to Him, Nicodema. I know The Answer is there, but i just don't know exactly how to say it that makes sense to you, yourself.
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#36116 - 05/07/05 10:46 PM
Re: Deliverance
[Re: ]
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Registered: 07/03/02
Posts: 426
Loc: Apopka, Florida
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Sheesh, Nico, I remember when the church members would give me that little sermon that there must be some besetting sin i was clinging to that was the reason God couldn't heal my mental illness. I recall how escalating the terror was, when I heard that said to me...for there is always the chance, the probability even, that some sin lurks there in the preconscious or unconcious that is a "reason" why God stays away. Especially in someone like myself who had a sordid past and abundant energy to go out and do all kinds of mischief and rebellion. Speak of suicidal! Here I am already tortured by some nameless terror/horror... maybe terror of guilt for any of a thousand things. And I'm now admonished to search through my long list and dig up which one is offending God so badly he won't speak to me. It would throw me right over the edge, for another two weeks in the hospital,really.
So, Nicodema, don't listen to that about clinging to sin. Please don't. I know for a fact that whatever my sins were, current or past, God had to come to me regardless, or I would not have the good health I enjoy now. Nicodema, your genuine desire to have God's help is what counts, and sometimes the best prayer you can say is "Lord, I'm willing to be made willing". That's good enoughfor God. Sending you on a guilt trip won't do a thing for you or for God.
I don't mean to be so critical of anyone on the forum trying to give Nico advice, but I've always wished I could tell others what advice really sets someone back instead of helping them forward when it comes to mental illness. And that about "clinging to sin" is one of them. BTW, Nicodema, I have put a message in your private message box that may be of help in some way.
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#36119 - 05/10/05 02:36 AM
Re: Deliverance
[Re: ]
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Registered: 11/22/03
Posts: 777
Loc: Beyond your grasp
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I don't want to have anything to do with demonic activity! I don't want to be a barometric reading of demonic pressure in the atmosphere, even! I want them to leave me alone!!!!!!! I'm nothing!! I'm nobody!!! I'm NOT important in the grand scheme of things!! Why can't they just LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!????? Or maybe they aren't the problem. Maybe all this pain and fear and panic and terror is just my own, my own private hell from my own sick mind. I don't know and I don't care, I just want out! OUT!
_________________________
"After such knowledge, what forgiveness?" -- T.S. Eliot
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