...i am so with you in kindred heart,sister, as you spoke out your heart's conviction above in your last message.

The crux of your message was in quintessence this what you said "We'll have to have our own intimate personal relationship with God". This is exactly that what I have been working on these last few years.

Of course, both of us will be faithful to our SDA.org. However, I believe we two are not the only ones around knowing that our personal eternal salvation through our true Son of God Jesus the Christ is all based on our personal commital to Him intimately.

Turmeric

well, I dont want to be a broken record. I have shared much thru the months. But I know there is newbies here so I will share as much as I can or dare.

I grew up in a chaotic,abusivive,hedonistic,undisplined home. I am the oldest son. My mother got pregnant by a boy she went out on a date with in the backseat of a car. She married someone else 2 months before I was born. This was in the early 60's(with a early 50's mentality)in a small town. My mom hated me but to this day dont realize or admit it and acts like nothing was wrong in the family growing up.

All my sibling are from different men. My mother was dropdead gorgeous in her heyday and slept with every man she went out with except the man whom she married when I was five. My stepfather raised me and they are still married. He never called me by name. It was always some derogatory word or slang. And sad to say- He beat us with garden hoses,broom handles and golf clubs. Anything he could grab when in a fit of rage he grabbed. My mother ignored us and read her book while the monster beated us in the same room. Anyway... enough of that, I still get light headed and anxious and my tummy starts hurting when I go there in my mind.

O how I hungered for the spiritual while growing up. I would ask questions about God at a very early age. The movie 'Ten Commandments' rocked my world every year. I would sit spell bound everytime it was on. I would cry at night and think about a God who knows whats going on. I remember praying to Him. Not understanding anything but that movie taught me that He existed. My parents were raised in strict religious alcoholic homes so when they became adults- they stayed away. Of course I didnt know this growing up.

I realize I am sharing too much of myself and putting my heart on my sleeve. And I havnt exactly put my trust in strangers here. But I feel I need to share who I am and where I came from. So here goes...

When I was 12 we moved next door to a SDA Minister who was about to start up a small country church in a small town(Population 400 at the time). We were just a few miles from the town. I was hogheaven! Learning about Danial and Revelations. I learned about Do's and Dont's and clean and unclean and all kinds of doctrine. I relished in the RULES!
I became quite a little Soldier for the Church.

At the same time I was going thru puberty and slowly realizing that my male peers were talking about girls more and more. I didnt understand why I related to the girl peers more and more in relation to their feelings about the boys. My parents always had dirty mags all around the house. The kids at school were calling me FAGGOTT and I didnt know what that word meant. I came home from school crying and asking mom "whats a FAGGOTT???". Well my mom, who reads so many books, feigned ignorance and suggested we look it up. Keen! So we did. Well it said 'its a bundle of sticks for burning'. And with great finality she closed the dictionary with a satisfied look on her face. I walked away thinking it didnt make sense that kids were calling me a bundle of sticks. But deep in my heart I did figure something out-dont talk about it.

Anita Bryan,who was a christian, spoke out against homosexuality. At the same time the Briggs Intutive was up in California(firing you if your gay and a teacher). GODHATESFAGS signs up. I didnt say anything to anybody. The shame was swallowing me up. I would cry to GOD to make me straight. but at the same time didnt really talk to God about it. Because of all the antigaygod stuff-I didnt feel safe to talk to anyone about it. I knew deep deep whithin my heart that GOD has forsaken me cause God does indeed hates fags. The Do's and Dont's became lead around my belly and I stopped going to church when I was 15.

Now flash to my early 20's I am working and going to school and getting stoned and drunk all the time. Playing Dungeons n Dragons. Petending I am a straight redneck and getting my girlfriend pregnant. Not talking about God or Homosexualalty. Just being who I am not. Living with a roommate (straight redneck cowboy) and doing what I thought was manly stuff.

I just got off of work and there was a knock on my door. My roomate answered the door and and told me a guy is giving away free books. I said "sure!" I like to read. The book was 'The Great Contraversy'. I couldnt beleive what I had in my hands! I felt like God dropped this precious book in my hands! He wanted me? I ran out of the house looking for that man who gave my roomate that book. He was very stoic and not interested in me or what I had to say. He said he wasnt a SDA. I ran back home not understanding his indifference.

In those three years in church I never read this book(or any other EGW book for that matter). I looked up the Table of Contents and spyed the last chapter-Contraversy Ended.
I read how I would be outside the KINGDOM watching JESUS die for me! u mean I would watch JESUS DIE for me!!! and it was too late to accept His Gift!!!!! AAARRRHGGGHHH! I couldnt bare that thought and fell to my knees in deep repentence.

I read my posts and I typoed Anita Bryan-its Anita Bryant. Sorry Anita if your reading this! anyway I will share more and its darker.


I became a new creature in Christ that Day. I contacted my small town church ole friends and started to go to church again! Praise God-I was home. We fellowshipped every Sabbath! We went caroling and witnessed together. We had Sat. nights together with popcorn and a G rated movie. We made homemade icecream. We cleaned out old people houses together and painted strangers homes. We were a Family. They were there when I was forced to quit my job over the Sabbath. My Minister and church family rejoiced with me in my Testimony. We prayed, We Loved, We Shared.

I loved my little country Church!

I became a Bible Story Salesman. I became a deacon with keys to the church. I became a Sabbath School Teacher.
and more importantly.. I fell in love with JESUS!

but
I still couldnt talk about my problems. As wonderful as my church was It still was a republican,legalistic,white,worksdriven,homophobic,small town congregation. I would test various people with innocent questions-Testing the waters in private to see if there was a really safe person to talk to.
I realized that this wasnt a place I can go to for support.
I may have been mistaken but I was watching. It was good as long as I was good.

I went to my parents home to do washing one sunday and they were at work. I was sitting at the table and a really different thought came to my head out of the blue."there is porno upstairs in your parents closet". I laughed knowing that was the devil cause I havent entertained those kind of ideas in ages. I still struggled with those thoughts at the time and looked at men but always chastized myself for it and cried to God. I didnt know what to do with em. I couldnt talk about em. I dared not go to a christian book store and buy a book about it cause people will see and definatly talk! My church loved to talk about others. I cringed when I thought I might become the topic of 'prayer'! In my prayer Journal- I left out my gay issues cause what would happen if I should die and my church family found out!!! I wouldnt be known as the SabbathSchool Teacher or 'that nice young christian bible Salesman'. I would be known as a reprobate or a sodomite. So its me alone fighting my demons that haunted me since I was 12.
So here I was in my poarents home knowing the devil was tempting me. I wish I have never went upstairs to look for my parents porn.

Lets fast foward a few months later.
I am going out by day selling Jesus books(The Great Contraversy as well) and at night going to Gay bars. Getting drunk and spending the night with strangers.We didnt get much sleep! I was very cute and very young and very aggressive when drinking. I had a small town macho persona that I worked. And I became the Belle of the ball.

Going to church was harder and I did manage to share my struggle(out of shame and desperation) with an elderly lady at church and she wept over me and prayed over me. It was our secret... for awhile. One night in the bar- I actually bumped into a guy I tried to sell books earlier that year. That wasnt good! I also met quite a few gay SDA's that I went to school with. The percentage of gays in the SDA's outnumber the society numbers it seemed. I couldnt live a double life anymore and I confessed to the board that I was gay and asked to have my name name blotted out from the churchmembership- I didnt want to put the church and Jesus to shame anymore. They have asked me not to be in the kitchen(fellowship potluck) cause of AIDES( I am not infected to this day) and I remember my minister who used to rejoice with me couldnt talk to me and wouldnt look at me anymore. I said goodbye to God and went deeper and deeper into the Gay Lifestyle.

I cant type anymore. I type like a chicken and I do want to share more. If anyone is interested.

Gay4Jesus, I have never had the background or the struggles you have been through, but I admire your honesty and willingness to share. You have been through some pretty horrendous things in your life and I am sorry that as a child you had to experience such neglect and abuse! I have read what you wrote before about your conversion or snapshots of it, and all I can say is that Jesus loves you dearly and that he died for you. I hope you will continue to spend time with Jesus, growing in him daily. He is the only one who can get us through the tough times of life. Take care!

Dear friend G4J,

Yes, we're interested. Please continue as soon as you have the energy. Just reliving these dark days must be very painful for you. But please know there are those here on C/A who support you in your quest for Christian fellowship under very difficult circumstances.

On the days when you begin to feel sad and alone, please remember that many others are also alone and just facing each day bravely. It's always easier if one is in a committed marriage, but those good ones don't always last - and the bad ones are worse than none. So sexual orientation doesn't determine your happiness.

I call you my friend, because we've chatted here in the chat room. I'm so proud of the strength you've shown in coming through a tough childhood and youth. Remember, it won't be long now till Jesus comes. Then we'll all have perfect love in our lives, forever.

Sincerely,